Trump Cuts Child Poverty Rate From 16,400,000 to 16,399,990!

Billionaire Donald Trump, at the bequest of Newt Gingrich, has agreed to help ten poor children in New York City. As Trump explained it:

“He(Newt Gingrich) did mention if I could do something for some of the kids in very, very poor schools throughout the city. I thought it was a great idea. We call it an apprenticeship, and I think we all know about “The Apprentice.” We’re going to be picking 10, young, wonderful children, and we’re going to make them ‘apprenti.’ “

Unfortunately, according to US Census figures there were 16.4 million children living in poverty in 2010. As such, the Gingrich/Trump plan will only lower the number of children living in poverty from 16.4 million to 16.4 million minus ten in 2012. Not exactly a comprehensive solution to a serious problem. But at least as Trump points out, “We’re going to have a little fun with it”. Yes! Finally someone who understands that poverty can be fun, extra fun I suspect when you don’t have to worry where your next meal is going to come from.

Wouldn’t it have been more productive if Trump had simply taken $100 million of his own money and started a foundation to help poor children? For example, The Gates Foundation gives out over $3 billion every year. Yet while Bill and Melinda seem to only seek the spotlight when it is in the best interests of their foundation, I certainly would not be surprised to see Trump throw himself a parade if he ever actually put a penny in the tray instead of always taking one.

If you think I am being too hard on Trump, I am not, as his record of charitable giving is appalling. Check out why The Smoking Gun called  ”Trump: The Least Charitable Billionaire” and a “miser” based on its review of source material from his “charitable” foundation.

Also, what advice is Trump really going to give to children living in poverty?

  • Make sure you are born into a fabulously wealthy family, but, always pretend that you are a self made man.
  • Don’t worry about screwing up a business/marriage as you can always just file for bankruptcy/divorce. Repeat as necessary.
  • Always put “style” over substance.

As responsible adults, we should advise all children of New York City to be on alert for a shady looking guy driving around in a limo asking if you want to be an “apprenti”. If you see this man, avoid eye contact, run home, lock the doors and pray for the unfortunate ten children he will inevitably exploit for his amusement and further self promotion.

What Kind Of Brownies Was He Baking To Think His Idea Would Make Money?

Good News Friday!

And how do I get the recipe, because according to CNN Money apparently the world does need a new and improved brownie pan. As the story goes, soon to be owner of a multi-million dollar business Mark Smith was baking brownies one night when inspiration struck,

“I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Wow, the corner brownies are the best in the pan and nobody even talks about it,’ “

Mr. Smith is right, no one is talking about it and that is just sad. All the news  talks about is war, famine, corporate greed, natural disasters, etc. but nothing ever about how crazy it is that we are forced to eat the middle part of the brownie. I know we are a strong people, however we can only take so much and thanks to Mark Smith’s invention all American’s now have affordable access to brownie edges.

So head on over to Baker’s Edge to “Get Your Brownie Edge-u-Cation!” today.

BTW, feel free to use the “Get Your Brownie Edge-u-Cation!” slogan. No charge. Our gift to you.

Rogue Judge Thinks Guilt & Innocence Actually Matter: Citigroup Settlement Rejected

This week federal judge Jed S. Rakoff rejected a $285 million settlment between Citigroup and the SEC. The rejected settlement concerned Citigroup’s selling of toxic mortgage securities to investors back in 2007. Allegedly, Citigroup knew these were bad investments so they bet against their own customers resulting in $160 million in profit for Citigroup and $700 million in losses for investors.

Judge Rakoff seemed particularly irked that the SEC’s settlement agreement did not require Citigroup to admit any guilt or wrongdoing regarding this matter.

Or perhaps the judge was just angry upon realizing he had zero use for the weather balloon he was going to receive with all his Citi “Thank You Points”.